Hello, young reader. I'm sure you're wondering what this story is all about. I'm kind of wondering too. Nevermind- Nirvana I've got just the thing. I remember when I was a kid, the streets were safe. The kids didn't do drugs, and you could get a blowjob for a nickel. Hepatitis C was relatively free, and it was all good. A.K.A. fucking retarded. Then, this one asshole had to change everything. He was big, buff, pink and Asian. Actually, he might've been black, I don't fucking know. This man was fairly peculiar, and he'd start an ice cream store to end all ice cream stores forever in our little town, who knows, maybe even ZA WARUDO! You expected this to be a grammatical shithole, well, we're not one of THOSE pastas, now are we? Actually, yes we are.
Get the fuck out, normie.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I was 7 years old, and I was masturbating in the living room. This was a time before the internet, so I tried to look out the window and see if I could look at something hot. Like a dog fucking a fire hydron. Ouch. Suddenly, this big, buff, Asian man walked up to this child, and he scratched his balls. I don't mean his own balls. I mean the child's balls! The kid ran over to his parent's house and told them he got an ouchie on his scrotum. I feel bad for the kid, but he's probably having a flourishing career in prostitution as we speak. As the child ran, the Asian man speed-walked towards him with his luscious asscheeks. I'd fap to that; By the way, my name is Faptain McFapperson, and yes, that is my birth name. I stroked it to the thought of that man's asscheeks, that's totally not gay! It's not gay unless you cum! Anyways, could I have stopped that man from scratching the kid's genitalia? Yes, but he would probably snap my dick like a cucumber now that I think about it. My dad ran into the living room and did a peepee walk. He then yelped "Son! Help me!" I then responded, "Yes, dad? What is it?" "Son! Son! I got my dick stuck in a toaster! AND I TURNED IT ON! A smoky smell of pork and smegma filled the room. "Oh, shit, Dad. Try to hump it and thrust outwards, like one of those North Korean fingerbang traps." He did so, and it didn't work, but his dick was done cooking, and the toaster quickly cooled. "Welp, son, looks like this is going to be my bodypart. I wonder how I should tell your mom about this- OH SHIT ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!" I responded "Yes." My dad was shocked. "Son! Where did you get that attitude? Wait a minute, was it from that time I left you outside the McStripClub building for about an hour?" "No." I said. "Oh, thank god." said Dad. My hermaprodite sisther called me up to hisher room. I stared at the strange machine set infront of me. "I got a new computer!" said my sisther. I got on there, and, instantaneously, like it was second nature, I looked up Cornhub.com. Suddenly, I felt a warm and wet sensation behind my head. I turned around, and saw my sisther's dick hung out. "I got you with my cumbeam!" he proclaimed. I ran down to my room, crying.
A week later, the ice creamery opened, the name was "Big Bubba's Creamy Surprise" I walked into the creamery, and what I saw would scar me for the rest of my life. The big Asian guy was behind the counter, a kid walked up to him and asked for some ice cream. The man walked up with a cone to an old lady, and the old lady shat in the ice cream cone. The man gave it to the kid, and he ate that shit up. I glanced around the place, and everyone was eating the shit like it was chocolate ice cream. I tactfully retreated to my house. The next day, Fox News covered the story of everyone having the Shit Disease. I was taking a shower in the sink while watching this, and I did the only thing I could, I ran outside naked and warned everyone politely. "CUCKS! BIG BUBBA'S CREAMY SURPRISE SELLS SHIT TO IT'S SHEEP!" Comments hit me like a dickbat or a Bat's Dick. "Hey, that's mean!" or even "OH MY GOD THEY SELL PEOPLE THEIR FECAL MATTER?" It diidn't work, I came upon plan B with haste, and ran to the creamery. Once I was in there, I stood up on one of the customer's tables and shat on their face. He ate the shit up like fried chicken. I was shocked. The only conclusion I could come to was that this was the work of an enemy stand. Or aliens.
Will David Bowie shut the shit down? Will the solution for this be found? Will Bubba finally be brought to justice? Find out next time on My Strange Addiction! Penis.